Falling in love with my 8th grade prom date
fractalcloud
So Sean and I went to Columbia to see this guy we have both known for a while. He was good friends with Sean in high school, and I have known him since I was 13 (we went to 8th grade prom together!) Anyway, I found myself being able to talk to him like ACTUALLY talk to him. I didn't have to hide my thoughts/feelings and it was just so natural. He told me that he wished he could have been closer to me in high school and I talked to him about the whole my boyfriend's brother-in law raping me (a guy he knew, too) and he was the only person in that group of people to actually be supportive of me and on my side. It was this HUGE relief. Even when Sean was like, "Yeah, I always thought Lauren was hot in high school, but I figured she was a stuck-up bitch who would never talk to me because she was so quiet," this guy automatically said, "No, she's never been like that." And my I felt like my heart had done a backflip or something, haha. No one has EVER said that about me, actually saw through to me when I was in high school, except him, apparently. And I hadn't seen him in four years. Since seeing him, we have texted quite a bit about a lot of personal stuff and I keep having dreams about him...but he moved to Connecticut, so it's not like I could be with him even if I wanted to. He keeps sending me snapchats, too. I just haven't had a crush like this in a long, long time. He's one of my boyfriend's long-term friends though, so....pretty shitty.

Fucking A

I am dumb
fractalcloud
Taking adderall and feeling like the world is going to explode, then drinking beer to fill the gap of coming down from amphetamines. Why do I still do this to myself? Worse misery ever. Stupid dopamine.

(no subject)
fractalcloud
I will be seeing my mother for the first time in three years in about an hour. Is it strange that I feel anxious about seeing my own mother? I just feel like the last time I saw her, I was in such a different place in my life, such a different person. I guess I am also afraid of having to deal with my sister and any drama that ensues.

I am so so sick of it. I got off the bus a few weeks ago and heard someone screaming, turned out to be my sister, and my father was there trying to prevent her from getting on the bus and physically restraining her while she was screaming bloody murder. I just sat there awestruck and had to explain to the people around me that she is fucking insane. Then my dad made me go to the ER with them because he was afraid she would jump out of the car or something, so that was fun.

God, I hope everything turns out OK. I don't think I can handle emotional stress right now, especially because I am really trying hard to quit drinking.

I survived the wedding
fractalcloud
It was pretty awkward, of course. Once we all got drunk, I had a pretty good time, though I kept getting left out of things and feeling like an outcast. I met a pretty awesome chick there that I hung out with almost the whole night. Of course, as usual, I gravitated towards someone I don't know...made friends with them, then never hear from them again. I hate that. It always happens to me.

I feel so lonely all the time, with these events that I am not a part of, or I am just there because I am somebody's girlfriend. I don't understand why I can't form a lasting relationship with anyone besides a romantic one. It's so frustrating.

Waiting for Summer to End
fractalcloud
It's funny that I still capitalize certain words in titles like I was taught to in school.

So I am by myself this weekend. Sean is at a bachelor-party camping event, and I am stuck wondering what to do. I know I don't want to sit here by myself all weekend, but I also don't want to drink and drive, especially since a brake light is out and the car insurance information is on Sean's phone and I can't access it...FUCK.

This whole wedding thing has been rough for me. I don't know why it should be or why it is exactly. When I think about it all really hard, I can't help but feel hurt and left out-- that my childhood bestfriend didn't involve me in her wedding. Sure, we hadn't been best buds in even high school, really, but we started talking again a lot when she got engaged. I guess I feel hurt because I don't have stronger relationships with girls, and if I did, I wouldn't feel betrayed. Because it wouldn't be just her that I have had a strong friendship with, but a few girls that I have been closer to in recent years.

I guess that is the result of my being in a relationship with an unhealthy narcissistic asshole all throughout high school who told me my friends were stupid. Left me lonely, essentially. I am still picking up the fragments even 2 and a half years later after us being together, and a total of five years since high school.

All I know is that after I said goodbye to Sean, and had to drive home alone, I felt completely empty and wanted to be self destructive. Now I am frantically trying to get a hold of anyone who might spend time with me because I don't want to be alone. I am just afraid I am going to get drunk and do something really stupid because I feel lonely..and I don't want to mess things up again like I have in the past, but then again, I do, just to feel alive or something? I don't know.

There has to come a point..
fractalcloud
When I will just suck it up and start being responsible. I got arrested a week ago for "careless" driving, yeah, I had 2 beers, and apparently that was enough for me to stupidly admit to a cop for them to take me to jail. I had lost my glasses and couldn't see shit. THAT is why I ran the red light, not because of the two beers I had an hour prior to driving home..

Anyway, that was an experience: being in the drunk tank without being drunk, and being talked to by the only other white chick in the place all night about how she broke her iphone 5 because of her boyfriend and got arrested for disorderly conduct. Geeze.

At least I had someone waiting for me when I got out, thanks Sean.

Hey!
fractalcloud
So I realized that 4 different people have blocked me on facebook, one of them being my ex, which is understandable. I don't know why. I don't feel as if I had been a nuisance to those people. Maybe I am oblivious to that as well? I skipped work today because I couldn't find my car key. But I will be going tomorrow, reluctantly, because I am already on thin ice.

Regardless of what is going on in my life, I still hope everyone is doing well and is happy. I love you all <3

(no subject)
fractalcloud
Injuring myself: oh, what sweet relief

just when things were looking up
fractalcloud
And I decided to commit. I mean really commit myself to Jonathan, he tells me two days later he is moving to california with this sociopath (now ex friend of mine). But he is coming back eventually even though he bought a one way ticket and went over there with $400 and nowhere to stay. I burned a lot of bridges because of my decision to be with him. Now he is gone. And I was doing so well, staying sober, the nightmares stopped, I had my appetite back. I was happy. Since he has been gone, I have broken out in hives all over my body and. I get lost driving places I have driven to hundreds of times before, I am sleepy all the time, having crying spells, etc. My friends tell me he is stupid, but that doesn't stop me fom freaking the fuck out. And he wonders why I have a hard time trusting people? I don't want to be hospitalized, but I am quickly going downhill..ugh. I hate this so much. I kinda just wish I could run away now too..


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I hate applying for jobs
fractalcloud
especially online jobs, where they do those questionnaires that take like 30 minutes, and I always feel like I have to lie on them. Questions such as, "You are able to control your emotions," or "You enjoy working with people." Do you disagree or agree?
Like, really, there is no retail job I am suited for because I just don't have the personality for it, but unfortunately, that is all I can do really, because what the hell else is there when you don't have a college degree yet?

I am sorry I am not bubbly and outgoing. I feel like employers discriminate against you if you're not. I can do the damn job and be friendly to people, but that doesn't mean that I am not pretending.

It's so frustrating because I suck at getting jobs. The only jobs I have gotten were because they REALLY needed someone and pretty much hired me on the spot.

?

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