It's funny that I still capitalize certain words in titles like I was taught to in school.
So I am by myself this weekend. Sean is at a bachelor-party camping event, and I am stuck wondering what to do. I know I don't want to sit here by myself all weekend, but I also don't want to drink and drive, especially since a brake light is out and the car insurance information is on Sean's phone and I can't access it...FUCK.
This whole wedding thing has been rough for me. I don't know why it should be or why it is exactly. When I think about it all really hard, I can't help but feel hurt and left out-- that my childhood bestfriend didn't involve me in her wedding. Sure, we hadn't been best buds in even high school, really, but we started talking again a lot when she got engaged. I guess I feel hurt because I don't have stronger relationships with girls, and if I did, I wouldn't feel betrayed. Because it wouldn't be just her that I have had a strong friendship with, but a few girls that I have been closer to in recent years.
I guess that is the result of my being in a relationship with an unhealthy narcissistic asshole all throughout high school who told me my friends were stupid. Left me lonely, essentially. I am still picking up the fragments even 2 and a half years later after us being together, and a total of five years since high school.
All I know is that after I said goodbye to Sean, and had to drive home alone, I felt completely empty and wanted to be self destructive. Now I am frantically trying to get a hold of anyone who might spend time with me because I don't want to be alone. I am just afraid I am going to get drunk and do something really stupid because I feel lonely..and I don't want to mess things up again like I have in the past, but then again, I do, just to feel alive or something? I don't know.
- Waiting for Summer to End